8 Dirtiest Lines in the Marvel Cinematic Universe

Marvel’s Cinematic Universe has been delighting audiences of all ages for nearly a decade now. Adults love that a movie studio is finally taking these classic characters seriously and kids love the part where Iron Man blasts stuff. It’s a win-win. You’d think a Disney-owned franchise full of PG-13 movies would be pretty safe for the kiddies, but these lines are sure to make any 90-year-old super soldier blush.

Tony’s Spread (Iron Man 2)

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Justin Hammer: [about Christine Everhart] She’s actually doing a big spread on me for Vanity Fair. I thought I’d throw her a bone, you know. Right?

Pepper Potts: Right. Well, she did quite a spread on Tony last year.

Tony Stark: And she wrote a story as well.

This one sort of writes itself. Pepper’s response is funny enough if you recall that Tony and Christine actually did do the nasty in the first Iron Man, but Tony comes in with the zinger just in case you forgot. This is arguably one of the funniest lines in the film and the first of many contributions from Tony Stark on this list.

Hawkeye’s Hammer (Avengers: Age of Ultron)

Marvel's Avengers: Age Of Ultron Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Steve Rogers/Captain America (Chris Evans), Clint Barton/Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), Tony Stark/Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) and James "Rhodey" Rhodes/War Machine (Don Cheadle) Ph: Film Frame ©Marvel 2015

Tony Stark: [the Avengers take turns to lift Thor’s hammer] Clint, you’ve had a tough week. We won’t hold it against ya if you can’t get it up.

Age of Ultron showed us a side of the Avengers that we don’t get to see very often. They’re relaxed, no one’s in costume and they’re all taking turns to see who can lift Thor’s hammer. It’s easy to miss Tony’s erectile dysfunction joke with all of the other witty banter happening during this sequence, but it is hysterical.

Abstract Art (Guardians of the Galaxy)

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Gamora: And Quill, your ship is filthy.

Gamora: [She walks away]

Peter Quill: Oh, she has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

This is the moment where every kid in the theater turned to their parents and asked: “Why is everyone laughing?” Good luck explaining that one, buddy.

Hulk Smash (Avengers: Age of Ultron)

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Tony Stark: Romanoff, you and Banner better not be playing hide the zucchini.

Fans were a little displeased with Black Widow and Bruce Banner’s seemingly random romance in Age of Ultron, but I’d argue that this joke made it all worth it. We were bound to get a Hulk dick joke sooner or later and this one works for me. We’ll never look at zucchini the same way again.

Low-key Dirty (The Avengers)

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Loki: This is MY bargain, you mewling quim!

This line went completely unnoticed by most people, but anyone familiar with Shakespearean insults was left shocked. After giving horrifying detail of how he would have Hawkeye kill her, Loki refers to Black Widow as a “mewling quim.” This is basically the equivalent of calling someone a “whining c-word.” Yikes. You know it’s dirty when you don’t even want to type it yourself.

Tony of Asgard (Avengers: Age of Ultron)

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Tony Stark: So if I lift it, I then rule all Asgard?

Thor: Yes, of course.

Tony Stark: I will be re-instituting Prima Nocta.

Joss Whedon sure has a thing for obscure, old-timey references. Most audience members probably didn’t pay much attention to this Latin phrase, but people on the internet were not too happy. For those who don’t know, Prima Nocta allowed noblemen the right to sex with another man’s wife on their wedding night. There’s debate on whether this ever was an actual practice, but apparently Stark is all for it. It would be a pretty clever joke if it didn’t sound so rapey. Although, it’s hard to imagine Lady Sif or any other Asgardian woman taking orders from a mortal like Tony Stark.

Dicktation (Guardians of the Galaxy)

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Denarian Saal: Peter Quill, this is Denarian Saal. For the record, I advised them against trusting you.

Peter Quill: [to Gamora] They got my dick message!

To be fair, this line is in reference to Quill’s letter to the Nova Corps where he claims to not be “100% a dick.” You can actually get away with saying that on network TV, but it’s not hard to see the double entendre here. Something tells me that isn’t the first “dick message” Peter has sent.

The Playboy (Iron Man)

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Christine Everhart: Have you ever lost an hour of sleep in your life?

Tony Stark: I’d be prepared to lose a few with you.

This may not be the dirtiest line on the list, but it’s one that started it all. This line perfectly sets up Tony Stark’s character and sets the tone for the kind of humor we would get in future MCU films. Iron Man didn’t have the most bankable star or the most well known superhero at the time, but it was moments like this that sold people on the idea of a billionaire playboy flying around in a metal suit. Plus, how could we not end with another Tony Stark quote?

What is your favorite dirty line in the MCU? Did we miss any good ones? Let us know!

Wesley Boutilier

Part time writer, full time nerd.

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