Ranking the 7 New Leaked Pokemon from Sun and Moon

Last week, 7 new Pokemon leaked online that were said to be from the upcoming Sun and Moon. Nintendo wasted no time in confirming that they were real, releasing an official video about a day later. These new Pokemon have left fans divided. Some of them are pretty cool, and others are pretty bad. Let’s take a look at the new creatures that we’ll be spending all of our time with later this year. And because we’re an entertainment website and the internet loves lists, let’s rank them best to worst.

…Because why the hell not, that’s why.

1. Vikavolt

I love Vikavolt already. It could have terrible stats and a shitty movepool and I will still say that it’s awesome. I love the Electric/Bug typing (like the kick-ass Galvantula), which is made even more awesome by it having Levitate for an Ability. Its design is really, really fucking cool, and the coloring and typing allow me to refer to it as “Bug Zapper.” What’s not to like?

 

2. Tapu Koko

Another Electric type (this time a dual with Fairy), Tapu Koko is being described as the “Guardian Deity of Melemele Island.” Clearly, this little warrior-looking mother fucker has some power behind it. I love the very Hawaiian, totem-esque look to both the armor and its body, and come on: a Hawaiian Fairy warrior that protects and island by using a rooster totem as a shield? If there is a more original, out-there Pokemon description, I certainly can’t think of it.

 

3. Togdemaru

Yet again with the Electric types (and now mixed with Steel), Togdemaru is the latest in a long line of Pikachu knock-offs (Plusle, Minun, Emolga…). Togdemaru is about as cute as they come, and with a Steel type and the Iron Barbs ability, this adorable little rodent may have more combat use than its precious exterior lets on.

 

4. Cutiefly

The first ever combination Bug/Fairy type Pokemon, Cutiefly may be tiny and unassuming, but I’m sure this little mosquito-hummingbird will evolve into something a bit more intimidating. At least, I hope it does, otherwise Cutiefly may toil away into obscurity. But who knows, maybe Game Freak will take this cute little bug and do with it what they did with a set of keys and make it an unexpectedly useful Fairy type. You just never know.

 

5. Charjabug

Another Electric type. Shocker (GET IT?). The previous form of Vikavolt, and the evolved form of the previously revealed Grubbin, there really isn’t much to say about this little thing. It’s a bug that’s meant to be a battery but looks like a bus that nobody will think about again after it evolves. Moving on.

 

6. Bruxish

Seriously, what the fuck is this? Bruxish is apparently based on the Hawaiian state fish, the Humuhumunukunukuapua’a (thanks, Google), but the H fish does not look anything like this abomination. It looks like a cross between a piranha, an angler fish, Angelina Jolie, and the 1960s. An amazing new ability cannot save this horrifying monstrosity from being being too scary to like.

 

7. Drampa

No. I absolutely refuse. Game Freak has literally created a pedophile Pokemon with Drampa. This twisted old fuck, whose name is an amalgam of “dragon” and “grampa” (which is creepy enough), literally plays with children all day long, and freaks out when something happens to a kid it likes. There is nothing I can say about this sick fuck that its official description doesn’t drive home in painful detail:

“Drampa are dragons that live alone in the mountains 10,000 feet above sea level. Since they can’t obtain the Berries they feed on at that range, they descend to the base of the mountains at dawn every day. Drampa love communicating with people and Pokémon. Drampa are especially gentle with children and often appear at schools and parks where children gather. While Drampa is usually a very gentle Pokémon, it can fly into a rage if a child it cares for is hurt in some way. The Dragon Breath move that it fires off at such times is powerful enough to blow down buildings!”

They live alone, come out of their seclusion to hang out around schools and playgrounds, and explode when one of their kids gets hurt. This disgusting son of a bitch is basically a cross between Falkor from The Neverending Story and Herbert from Family Guy (If you’re unfamiliar with either of those, look them up. It’ll make complete sense.). If the world of Pokemon has some sort of predator watchlist, every single Drampa in Alola is on it.

 

What about you, NerdSpeakers? How would you rank the new reveals? Am I being too harsh on them? Too soft? Juuuuust right? Let me know in the comments below.

Jordan Barbeau

A simple man with simple tastes. Games, comics and movies are all I need to be happy.

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